Feeds:
Posts
Comments

Why are some people so indecisive, is there a hidden agenda?
No matter what, some people can’t seem to make a decision. What’s even more exasperating is that when you try to make the decision, they won’t let you.

For example: Sue asks me the other day, “Where would you like to go for lunch?”
I say, “It’s up to you.”
She says, “No. This is your day. You decide.”
I answer, “OK, how about the deli?”
She says, “I was thinking about something nicer.”
I say, “Well, how about Benos?”
She says, “It’ll probably be a long wait at this time of the day.”
I say, “That’s OK. We’ll wait and talk.”
She says, “It really may take awhile.”
I now know she has somewhere else in mind. So I ask, “Do you have another suggestion?”
She says, “You decide.”
At this point I feel like throwing myself down on the sidewalk and having a temper tantrum.

Here’s another example of an “I -won’t- make-a-decision-and-you-can’t-make-me”scenario.
My friend says, “What color do you think I should paint my bedroom?”
I say, “What color have you been thinking about?”
She says, “I really don’t know. What do you suggest?”
I say, “How about an indigo red or khaki?”
She says, “I don’t like those colors.”
I say, “Maybe something more subtle, perhaps beige with a rose tint.” (I’ve watched a lot of   HGTV.)
She says, “I don’t think so.”
What I want to say to her is, “I’ll run through the entire color wheel, and when I hit on the color you’re thinking of, you tell me.”

People who play this game have two agendas although even they may not be aware of it. They want to look accommodating, so they ask your opinion. But they also want to make the decision, so they won’t take your suggestion. In this situation play three strikes and you’re out. Give three suggestions and then say, “I’m out of ideas.”

Apply this same method when dealing with your child who comes to you moaning because he or she can’t figure out what to do.

Changing the way you talk to yourself in your head will change your weight.

Change your brain with the use of neuro-linguistic programming.

Instead of saying to yourself, “I can’t lose weight” say, “I won’t lose weight.” When you say, I can’t you make yourself a victim. When you say, I won’t you put yourself in charge. Once you believe and feel that you’re in charge of your weight, you’re more likely to jump on the weight-loss wagon and do something about your weight.

Too hard to believe? Try it.

Treat your parents with respect and they will respect you.

I’ve talked to a number of parents who feel their grown children do not treat them with respect.

Here are a few things parents have said they wanted:

Please say hello and act like you’re happy to see me when I come for a visit. And when I call on the telephone, show some interest in what we’re talking about.

And please, please answer the telephone sometimes when I call. I know you’re available.
Ask about my life and what I’m doing.

You know I have little money. It would be nice if you helped me pay some of my doctor bills.

Respect my right to redecorate and change things in my house. Don’t tell me I don’t need a new sofa or family room furniture. I’m not ready to be buried yet.

Ask before you help yourself to food in the refrigerator.

If I tell you I don’t like something you’re doing, don’t punish me by not seeing me or not talking to me.

Sometimes invite me to one of your parties so I can meet your friends.

Just because you’ve changed religions, don’t ridicule mine.

Offer to bring something when you come to dinner.

Accommodate my schedule sometimes when we make a date to get together. I have a life too.

Once in a while come for dinner and stay the whole evening.

Stop ridiculing me when I tell you about something I’ve read about vitamins, or diet, or changes in the laws. I’m not always mistaken or stupid.

Tell me about your life and the people you’re dating.

Call back when you say you’re going to call back.

Say yes or no to an invitation in a timely manner. Don’t keep me on hold until the last day.

Remember my birthday and on time.

Be gracious and thank me when I give you a gift, rather than acting as though it’s too much trouble to open it.

Listen and believe me when I tell you I’m tired. Don’t push me to go on to one more store.

Invite me to dinner sometime.

Take a little time out of your life to remember to see your grandparents. They always took time with you when you were little.

Be on time for dinner or call when you’ll be late.

Pay back the money you owe me or talk to me about it.

Stop being critical of my taste in clothes.

If you borrow one of my appliances, return it without my having to ask.

Don’t get mad if I tell you I can’t baby sit, and don’t expect me to baby sit every weekend.

Stop talking about what I did wrong when I raised you. Tell me what I did right.

Give me a hug and a kiss when you leave.

Treat me as nicely as you treat your best friend.

Following these requests won’t solve all problems between parents and grown children. But it certainly sets the stage for a more respectful relationship.

What happens when the parent-child relationship changes?
When children grow up, the parent-child relationship is destined to change. When both are adults, it’s time to change the way they relate and communicate. This, however, does not come easily.

Grown children speak out to their parents:

Respect that my schedule is different from yours. Try not to call too late or during our dinner. And when I can’t talk, be understanding.

Realize I can’t telephone you every day and understand that my not calling has nothing to do with love.

Don’t try to make me feel guilty because I don’t attend church every week.

Don’t tell me what other kids do for their parents.

Don’t talk about my father’s or mother’s shortcomings and expect me to take your side.

Please be understanding when I turn down your invitations – I have a very busy life.

Don’t expect my political viewpoints to be the same as yours.

When I share things such as I’m getting a dog, or we’re thinking of moving, don’t become negative and try to talk me out of it.

Don’t go on about everyone’s problems or how bad the world is.

If I share one of my problems with you, don’t minimize it and say I have nothing to worry about.

When I do nice things for you please be appreciative.

Compliment me.

Don’t always talk about my brothers’ and sisters’ accomplishments.

When you come over for dinner, please offer to help but don’t take over.

Don’t talk against me to my children.

Treat me like an adult, with respect.

Parents and grown children desire a good relationship, but sometimes it’s not clear how to get there. Evaluate the suggestions I’ve given. Then ask yourself: Do you need to do anything differently?

A Caretaker is a person whose main focus in life is taking care of others. Caretakers almost always put their mate’s needs ahead of their own. Because they are so focused on everyone else’s needs, their intuitive powers are highly developed.

They can walk into a room and know what their mate is feeling. If their mate is feeling happy, they feel happy. If their mate is feeling down in the dumps, they start to feel anxious, and try everything possible to make their mate feel better. It’s almost as if their mate is an extension of themselves.

A classic example is the Caretaker who dislikes watching basketball, but feels that she must sit and watch March madness with her husband in order to keep him company. He doesn’t ask her to sit down and watch with him, nor does he expect her to watch with him, but she watches because she thinks she should.

A caretaker also tends to be an advice giver. When she has a problem, however, she’s reluctant to ask for help because she’s supposed to be the helper, not the “helpee.”
The position of Caretaker automatically gives a person a tremendous amount of power because a Caretaker makes most of the decisions in the relationship. And secretly she enjoys this position of power.

At the same time, she often feels cheated because her mate doesn’t take responsibility and make more decisions in the relationship. When her mate tries to take more responsibility, however, the caretaker is right there trying to take charge once again.

For example, Caretaker complains that her husband doesn’t discipline the children enough. When her husband does start to discipline, she immediately jumps in and gives additional advice to the children. Or she disagrees with her husband’s disciplining and overrides him.

Usually in a relationship it’s the woman who’s the Caretaker, because in our society, most often it’s the little girl in the family who is taught to take care of others. There are also some men who fall into this category, but mostly it’s the woman.

If you’re a Caretaker, you probably have already recognized yourself, but if you have any doubt, the following test will help you decide. Also, if you know you’re not a Caretaker but you suspect that your mate is, take the test with him or her in mind. For every yes answer, give yourself one point.

You are constantly concerned about your mate’s mood, forever taking his emotional temperature, and feel responsible when your spouse is depressed, bored, angry, sad or unhappy.

You are more aware of your spouse’s feelings than your own.

You give compliments, hugs, pats on the back, and you always try to please.

You prepare well in advance for birthdays, holidays, vacations, and social gatherings so everything will be just right.

You are willing to drop your own plans for those of your mate’s at a moment’s notice.

You have a high energy level, you are ambitious and definitely a doer in life.

You have the ability to look at a situation and recognize instantly what needs to be done.

You have trouble relaxing, and when you do, you still work on little projects such as paying the bills while watching television or wiping off the kitchen cabinets while talking to a friend on the telephone.

You are well-organized, efficient and somewhat compulsive.

You secretly enjoy taking charge and making sure things get done.

If you have 8, 9, or 10 yeses, you are definitely a Caretaker. If you have 5, 6, or 7 yeses, you are probably a caring person and often do nice things for others, but you do not operate from the Caretaker frame of reference.

A Passive Taker is a person who floats along in life with seemingly little purpose and few goals. He does not focus on what he wants, likes or dislikes. Nor does he focus on his mate’s wants, likes or dislikes. His lot in life is to accept what’s happening to him at the time.

Most people see the Passive Taker as a nice guy. He rarely gets angry. He can pretty much be counted on to go along with anything. He makes few decisions for himself.

For example, Passive Taker and his wife are at a restaurant. As they are ordering, the waiter asks Passive Taker what kind of salad dressing he would like. Passive Taker looks at his wife to choose his salad dressing. I use the pronoun he because most Passive Takers are men, although occasionally a woman will fall into this category.

As children, Passive Takers were taught to expect others to take care of them. They in turn were expected to do what they were told. With their wants and needs consistently being met, they didn’t learn to plan ahead or think about what they wanted, nor did they learn to focus on anyone else’s needs. Like the Caretaker, they are a product of their upbringing.

Passive Takers do not initiate or organize in their relationship. They complacently go along with the program, but they rarely take charge or plan it. They are willing to help out, but chores must be assigned. They do not compliment their mate, nor do they criticize.

I want to emphasize that a Passive Taker does not think in the same way that other people think. He does not come home and think, “I’m going to watch a football game tonight.” He simply comes home, switches on the television, sees that a football game is in progress, and settles in to watch it.

What his wife and children happen to be doing at the time does not cross his mind. He simply does not think about what other people are doing or how others are feeling.

Now let’s take the Passive Taker test. For every yes answer, give yourself one point. If you know you’re not a Passive Taker but you have a suspicion that the person you are living with is, take the test with him or her in mind.

You will help out if assigned a task, like setting the table or putting away the suitcases, but you rarely take the initiative and do these things yourself, or start a project on your own.

You are content doing almost anything, spend a good deal of your free time alone, live in your own world and do not have a need to interact with others.

You rarely ask your mate to do something for you. You make few demands.

You do not think in advance or plan ahead in your marriage. You do not shop more than a day or two ahead for birthdays, or call ahead for reservations, or think in terms of the future.

You are not attuned to the wants or feelings of your mate.

You rarely give compliments or pats on the back, nor do you “see” what your mate has done for you.

You are rarely critical of yourself or your mate.

You are viewed by the outside world as nice, easygoing and content.

You are often accused by your mate of being selfish and lazy and are told, “You just don’t care.”

You are non-competitive and prefer to let others take the lead.

If you have 8 or more yeses, you are definitely a Passive Taker. If you have 5, 6 or 7 yeses, you sometimes exhibit Passive Taker behaviors, but you do not operate from a Passive Taker frame of reference.

The Corrector is a person whose main focus in life is to find the flaw and then point it out. Correctors think and know that there is a right way to fold socks, a right way to put dishes in the dishwasher, a right way to cut the grass, and a right way to catch a fish. And they are more than happy to tell you how to do it. Usually their advice is given with a lot of “shoulds” and “oughts”. They also have a habit of wagging their pointer finger as they give you this advice.

Most Correctors make between 20 and 30 critical comments a day. If you don’t believe me, and you suspect you’re a Corrector, count your critical comments. And if you’re living with someone else you suspect falls into this category, secretly count his or her negative comments.

If you tell Correctors you don’t like their advice, they defend themselves with, “I’m only trying to help you,” or “I’m only trying to make it easier for you”.

“How do people become Correctors?”
Usually one or both parents of Correctors were overly critical. Consequently, these children came to expect perfection not only of themselves but also of others.

Rarely are they satisfied with anyone’s performance. If they do 10 things right and one thing wrong, it’s what they do wrong that becomes the focus of their attention.

If you are a Corrector, you may have already recognized yourself. If you have any doubt, take the following test. Give yourself one point for every yes answer.

You are overly critical of yourself for things you did or didn’t do.

You are overly critical of your mate and quick to point out his or her flaws. Off the top of your head, you could easily name a number of tasks your mate does wrong.

You continually strive to be perfect and consider yourself a perfectionist.

You tend to define the world in terms of black and white, right and wrong, good and bad. Your thinking is often polarized. Once you have made a decision, you have trouble understanding or accepting the other person’s point of view.

You are selfish in giving compliments and often are accused of being sexually selfish.

You use anger, and various forms of anger such as put-downs, sarcasm, guilt or pouting, to intimidate and control your mate and to get your own way.

You enjoy telling your mate what to do, and you get a feeling of satisfaction when you explain how to do it.

You schedule “free-time” activities carefully to get the most out of your time and you rarely engage in spontaneous play.

You are well organized, efficient, and accomplish a good deal both at work and at home.

You think of yourself as someone who can be counted on, is loyal, and keeps his word.
If you have 8, 9 or 10 yeses, you are a Corrector. If you have 5, 6 or 7 yeses, you frequently nag and complain, but you do not operate from the Corrector frame of reference. However, you might consider knocking off those critical comments because criticism only invites others to pull away from you.

%d bloggers like this: