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Archive for September, 2015

Life is filled with hurts. Why hold onto the hurts of the past when dropping them gives you so much more room to love.
This week who will you forgive?

A parent who failed to say you were a worthwhile person or pretty or smart? A mother-in-law who betrayed you? A manager who let you go instead of a less productive co-worker? A boss who made promises but never kept them? A husband who was unfaithful? A girlfriend who left you? A child who has brought misery to the family? A doctor who refused to listen and caused needless suffering? An unscrupulous person who has cost you thousands of dollars? A neighbor who’s been downright mean? A relative who can’t seem to stop putting you down? Who will you choose to forgive?

How will you go about the process of forgiveness?

Sometimes trying to get into the other person’s shoes is helpful.

The neighbor who’s caused you pain — is he fearful that someone will take advantage of him, cost him money or time? Perhaps too many people have been mean to him, and his surliness and anger have become his defense. Might you say, “I forgive him” and then extend the olive branch? Maybe your olive branch will be a smile or dropping off a pan of brownies you happened to bake.

When your husband betrayed you, indeed he was taking care of himself, caught up in his own egotism. You did not cause his betrayal. Nevertheless, think about whether you might have done something to be a better wife. Were you too critical and always expecting more from him, raising the bar? Did you push him away emotionally and physically because you were caught in your own world as he became caught in his.

The friend who’s jealous — does she feel inadequate in comparison to you? How have you tried to shore her up? What would make her feel good about herself? Raining on your parade is only a symptom of her insecurities.

Sometimes it’s easier to forgive hurts when you think of the good the other person has done through the years.

When I find myself angry and hurt because of some perceived or real injustice, I’ll take a piece of paper and run a line down the center. In one column I write the caring things I’ve seen the other person do. In the second column I’ll write her transgressions. Having a different perspective, seeing reality, makes forgiving easier.

Perhaps when you think of forgiveness, you’ll find you need to forgive yourself. Maybe when you were a child you stole something and blamed it on someone else. For years you’ve carried the burden of guilt. Is there anyone you can tell your story to and then forgive yourself?

Perhaps in your business you’ve taken financial advantage of others and excused yourself by saying, “It was good business.” How could you make amends to those people you’ve hurt financially and emotionally? How will you rectify your past behavior? Who might you call and apologize to? Once you’ve made restitution, it becomes easier to forgive yourself.

A great cause of suffering is holding onto old hurts and the pain they bring when we think about them. By choosing to forgive, you choose to let go of your own pain.

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When your mate retires, expect change, and expect to adjust your life style.
Her husband has been retired for a year, and she’s ready to go back to work.

“Since he’s retired he thinks he has first rights to the telephone. He thinks he should be able to make his telephone calls first. If one of my friends calls early in the morning and wants to talk, heaven forbid. If I’m talking and he wants to use the telephone, he motions for me to get off. If that doesn’t work, he passes me a note or holds up a sign.

“Last week when I was out, he rearranged my dishes and spice rack. Then he tells me how much more efficient his arrangement is than the one I’ve been using for the past 37 years!

“If one of my friends stops by for a visit, he participates in our conversation. If I say, ‘We’re going out on the patio,’ he says, ‘I’ll join you.’

When he invites himself I think, ‘Go make your own friends.’

“Because he has more time since he’s retired, he’s always wanting me to invite our children over for dinner. Or he wants me to have friends for dinner and cards. I like our children and friends, but I’m the one who gets stuck with the preparation and most of the clean-up. And I get tired.

“When I go to the grocery store, he wants to go along. Yesterday I was picking out some strawberries, and he said, ‘They look bad.’ So I didn’t buy them, but I thought they looked perfectly fine. When I was getting the broccoli he said, ‘We haven’t had cauliflower in a long time.’ I knew what he was saying. ‘Get cauliflower instead of broccoli.’

“If I go outside to garden, he tells me to come in and take a rest or come in and have lunch. He is not respectful of my routine.

“I was signing up for a course at the botanical garden. When he heard me on the telephone he said, “Sign me up, too.” When I got off the telephone, I thought, ‘I’m getting myself a job.'”

This couple is suffering through a period of adjustment. She’s used to organizing and running the home, having the house to herself part of the time, and deciding her own schedule.

Her husband is probably lonely for companionship and hasn’t figured out how to handle all the additional hours he has recently gained with retirement. Because of his need for interaction and time structure, he’s coat-tailing on his wife’s schedule. It also seems he’s trying to run his wife’s life.

I suggest that this couple decide who is going to run what show. Perhaps he will start being responsible for the cooking on Tuesday and Thursday nights. If he hasn’t cooked in the past, he can sign up for a cooking course. This will give him contact with more people and a new interest and will help fill his time.

I also think a revision of who does what chores around the house is appropriate at this stage.

As to his desire to visit with his wife and her friends, the wife needs to hold steadfast to not always having him join them. This may mean that she will have to gently confront him when he says he’ll accompany them. She might say, “Tom, we need to have some girl talk.”

When a man or even a woman retires, it’s a period of adjustment for many couples. The main thing is for both people to figure out how they would like to live their life on a daily basis and then make a plan. Without a conscious plan, many relationships suffer the retirement blues.

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Why it’s so difficult to end a relationship.
Dear Doris,

Three months ago my girlfriend cheated on me with someone from her workplace. When I found out the next day (from another source) I ended our relationship. Prior to this point I was completely infatuated with her. I was prepared to marry and start a family and I had no idea that things were not as wonderful between us as I thought. She immediately entered a relationship with this person and a week later was telling him she loved him. I know this because she continued to talk to me and told me these things. Over the past few months she would call about once a week and describe how terrible things were with this guy and how they were always fighting. She now says she wants to leave him, to get out of her relationship with him, but she’s worried about hurting him. It’s only been three months and I still have very strong feelings for her. I guess I’m writing this to get some advice on how I should proceed. I would like to have a relationship with her but how would I know if she really wanted it or if I was just a reason to break up with the other guy?

This woman sounds like she needs to grow up. As for you, once you love someone it’s hard to simply turn off your love. It takes time to turn down feelings and let go of your hopes and dreams of the future with this particular person, even if that person has stepped on your heart. My advice is tough it out — get support from your friends, and then start looking for a new relationship.

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