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Archive for December, 2018

Here are some solutions to problems that may arise when stepchildren are staying for any long period of time.
His children, ages 5, 7 and 10, are coming for six weeks this summer. His present wife works outside the home. He works outside the home. Whose job is it to take care of the children?

He says his 10-year old is very responsible. She can babysit.

The wife says, “No, she’s too young. I will not put that responsibility on her.”

He says, “If you don’t like my plan, you figure it out.”

She says, “They’re your children.”

He says, “You knew I had children before I married you. It was a package deal.”

The wife got quiet and then suggested she find a baby sitter.

Fourteen telephone calls and two weeks later the wife found a sitter and a day camp for the children to attend part-time. Neither husband nor wife is happy with the additional expected financial outlay. But both have agreed not to fight about how much money they are spending on the children. Other issues they still had to deal with:

Whose job will it be to cook, keep the house picked up, and do the extra laundry? Who will take responsibility to tell the children what chores they must do, when to shower, when to go to bed, when to stop jumping on the sofa?

Slowly we worked out a plan whereby she would take responsibility for directing the children regarding showers and eating and helping clean up after dinner. Additionally, she would arrange some family activities, including a week’s vacation at the lake.

He would take charge of everything else — making carpool arrangements, doing laundry, writing up a list of chores for the children with his wife’s input, and then monitoring who was doing what. He further agreed that if his wife wanted him to deal with a particular issue with one of the children, he would handle it as she wished. He would acquiesce.

She agreed to shrug a lot, say “whatever,” understand that the house would frequently be messy, and get away by herself two evenings a week. The two of them would get a sitter so they could be alone on Saturday nights. Over the course of the summer, she would write a list of 100 things she liked about the children and give it to me.

He agreed to give his wife 100 compliments for helping care for the children. He would give me a list of his compliments. He further agreed to do more than his usual share of housework while the children were in town.

I would act as the moderator, with a few phone consults if things got sticky.

I then gave this couple my standard spiel: “The children are not responsible for the divorce or for having a stepmother. It’s something they must adjust to through no fault of their own.”

• Stepchildren are a lot of work and are often ungrateful. In this regard, however, they are no different than children generally.

• It is the responsibility of the parent, not the stepparent, to do the lion’s share of the work involved in caring for the children.

• When a stepparent takes too hard a line with her stepchildren, the marital relationship suffers because the natural parent will not look kindly on such behavior and his feelings will be adversely affected.

• Lead with your brains, not your emotions. Accept that you will sometimes have to give in or take responsibility when you don’t really believe you should have to. Be generous with forgiveness and be determined that you’ll respect each other and the children.

Check out Doris’ latest books, “The Boy Whose Idea Could Feed the World” as well as, “The Parent Teacher Discussion Guide” and “Thin Becomes You”.

Doris’ web page: www.doriswildhelmering.com

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Women frequently complain to their husbands and children about how much they do around the house vs. how much everyone else does. In turn, husbands and children defend by pointing out that they vacuum, do dishes, grocery shop, pay bills, and even scrub the floor.

So why does Mom keep complaining?

The reason so many women complain about all they do is that every home has numerous hidden chores that never make it onto someone’s chore list. But still, they must be done.

Here is a list of hidden chores. Next to each one write the initial of the person or people who most often do the task.

  1. Sorts through the mail and recycles all the junk mail.
  2. Periodically straightens the linen closet.
  3. Makes rags out of old clothing, cutting buttons off and tearing the clothes into
    rag size.
  4. Disposes of bad food, moldy cheese and rotten fruit from the refrigerator.
  5. Keeps the ice trays filled.
  6. Refills the toilet-paper holder.
  7. Picks up trash in the yard.
  8. Stops to pull a few big weeds that have sprung up among the shrubs.
  9. Replaces the light bulbs.
  10. Writes “light bulbs” and “dish detergent” on a shopping list.
  11. Stops by the grocery store for milk or bread.
  12. Bags up unused clothing and sees that it is passed on to the appropriate relative or organization.
  13. Collects and gives away old hangers that have accumulated.
  14. Sorts through old magazines and sees that they are recycled properly.
  15. Organizes the family games and puzzles and DVDs.
  16. Puts the photos in albums or boxes.
  17. Runs to the post office for stamps.
  18. Goes to the pet shop for fish filters, a dog chain or cat food.
  19. Waters and repots the house plants.
  20. Makes a run to the recycling center.
  21. Takes the family pet to the veterinarian and groomer.
  22. Picks up the dry cleaning.
  23. Sharpens the pencils around the house.
  24. Replaces empty tissue boxes in various rooms.
  25. Periodically sorts through the paper and plastic bags and telephone books and disposes of extras.
  26. Sorts and stores out-of-season clothes.
  27. Wipes smudges and heel marks off the doors.
  28. Sets up appointments with repair people and various contractors.
  29. Plants spring flowers and fall bulbs.
  30. Washes out the wastepaper baskets and trash cans.

If one of you has initialed more than your fair share, pass some of these chores on. When everyone shares household duties, family members appreciate each other more.

Check out Doris’ latest books, “The Boy Whose Idea Could Feed the World” as well as, “The Parent Teacher Discussion Guide” and “Thin Becomes You”.

Doris’ web page: www.doriswildhelmering.com

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How many of you might write a letter similar to the one below?

Dear Bob,

I know you are mad at me because I have been refusing to have sex with you lately. And I also have not approached you for sex, even though you have hinted that I should do so. The problem is, I’m very annoyed with you at the moment. Maybe after reading this letter you will understand my feelings and change your behavior. Then maybe we can have sex again.

I guess the final straw came when I was working at the fish fry at church and cut my finger. When I called to tell you I thought I needed to go to the hospital, the first thing you asked was whether the church had workers’ compensation. You said if they didn’t, I shouldn’t go to the hospital because it would be too expensive. What I needed at that moment was for you to ask me about my finger.

When I found out that the church had insurance, I called you back to take me to the hospital. You said you couldn’t get away. You had too much work to do. So a friend took me to the emergency room.

When I got back, I called to let you know how I was doing. Your secretary said that you were out to lunch.

Bob, why would I want to have sex with you when you act as though I don’t count?

And now that I am on a roll with this letter, here are some other reasons that I justify turning you down.

You drive too fast and when I ask you to slow down, you drive even faster.

We never go out alone as a couple.

If you don’t get your way, you let everyone know by pouting and refusing to talk.

You are not affectionate outside the bedroom.

You tell me I’m spoiled because I work only part-time.

You put me down in front of other people.

You chew with your mouth open, you are overweight, and you drink too much.

You do not help me with the children or help around the house.

You call me names, even right after we have had sex.

You expect a big meal every night no matter how tired I am.

You refuse to go to the children’s school functions.

You do not pick up your clothes, bath towel, or dishes, or clean out the tub when you have finished using it.

You are friendly and outgoing, and nice to everyone but me and your children.

I have always liked sex. It’s a way for me to feel close to you. But lately I don’t feel very close. Please change your behaviors so we can get our sex life back on track.

Your Wife,
Jan

Check out Doris’ latest books, “The Boy Whose Idea Could Feed the World” as well as, “The Parent Teacher Discussion Guide” and “Thin Becomes You”.

Doris’ web page: www.doriswildhelmering.com

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Did you know that when you fight, your fights always follow the same pattern? What you fight about with your mate or your child may change from year to year, but the way the fight unfolds remains the same.

Take for example Marge and Bill. No matter what they fight about, Bill takes the mild-mannered, logical position while Marge becomes furious and raves like a maniac. The more calm Bill becomes, the more hysterical Marge acts. The pattern is always the same.

On Tuesday, this couple fought because Bill didn’t get home until 6:40, when he usually arrives by 6:00.

As soon as Bill came in the door, Marge expected an explanation.

Bill explained that his boss had wanted to see him just as he was walking out the door, and he couldn’t get away.

At this explanation, Marge became angrier and insisted that Bill should have excused himself to call her. After all, most people live on some sort of time schedule, even the boss.

Bill countered by telling Marge in a reasonable tone that she didn’t understand the corporate world; and most people in his position don’t leave the office until 6:30. To call home hadn’t seemed necessary because it wasn’t as if he was being delayed until 10 at night.

Angrier still, Marge pointed out that she had taken time out of her life to go to the grocery store and make a nice meal for him, which was now ruined. Why was his time more important than her time? She also recounted all the other times Bill had chosen his work over her – like when he went out of town on business when their first child was due.

At the end of the argument, which lasted most of the evening, Bill felt persecuted and believed Marge was completely unreasonable. Marge felt that she didn’t count and once again Bill’s work had come first.

If Marge and Bill would take a moment to see that the pattern is always the same – Bill gets logical and Marge gets hysterical, and they rarely resolve their differences – they could change the pattern.

Instead of defending his actions, Bill could focus on Marge’s feelings. He could acknowledge that she had to wait and hold dinner and that it would have been more thoughtful for him to call. Bill should give no explanation or rationale for his decision to stay and talk with the boss.

Marge could change the pattern by stating her position and then restating it and not allowing herself to become hysterical.

The problem is, neither Bill nor Marge would get to feel misunderstood and persecuted. And who would express Bill’s anger for him if Marge became more controlled? And what about their familiar routine? What would they do if they were not fighting?

That’s why it’s so hard to give up your fight pattern.

Check out Doris’ latest books, “The Boy Whose Idea Could Feed the World” as well as, “The Parent Teacher Discussion Guide” and “Thin Becomes You”.

Doris’ web page: www.doriswildhelmering.com

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