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Archive for the ‘Behaviors’ Category

How many of you might write a letter similar to the one below?

Dear Bob,

I know you are mad at me because I have been refusing to have sex with you lately. And I also have not approached you for sex, even though you have hinted that I should do so. The problem is, I’m very annoyed with you at the moment. Maybe after reading this letter you will understand my feelings and change your behavior. Then maybe we can have sex again.

I guess the final straw came when I was working at the fish fry at church and cut my finger. When I called to tell you I thought I needed to go to the hospital, the first thing you asked was whether the church had workers’ compensation. You said if they didn’t, I shouldn’t go to the hospital because it would be too expensive. What I needed at that moment was for you to ask me about my finger.

When I found out that the church had insurance, I called you back to take me to the hospital. You said you couldn’t get away. You had too much work to do. So a friend took me to the emergency room.

When I got back, I called to let you know how I was doing. Your secretary said that you were out to lunch.

Bob, why would I want to have sex with you when you act as though I don’t count?

And now that I am on a roll with this letter, here are some other reasons that I justify turning you down.

You drive too fast and when I ask you to slow down, you drive even faster.

We never go out alone as a couple.

If you don’t get your way, you let everyone know by pouting and refusing to talk.

You are not affectionate outside the bedroom.

You tell me I’m spoiled because I work only part-time.

You put me down in front of other people.

You chew with your mouth open, you are overweight, and you drink too much.

You do not help me with the children or help around the house.

You call me names, even right after we have had sex.

You expect a big meal every night no matter how tired I am.

You refuse to go to the children’s school functions.

You do not pick up your clothes, bath towel, or dishes, or clean out the tub when you have finished using it.

You are friendly and outgoing, and nice to everyone but me and your children.

I have always liked sex. It’s a way for me to feel close to you. But lately I don’t feel very close. Please change your behaviors so we can get our sex life back on track.

Your Wife,
Jan

Check out Doris’ latest books, “The Boy Whose Idea Could Feed the World” as well as, “The Parent Teacher Discussion Guide” and “Thin Becomes You”.

Doris’ web page: www.doriswildhelmering.com

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A friend and I went antique hunting one Saturday to celebrate her birthday. The first store we walked into had some construction going on. In fact, we could hear a buzz saw in the background.

My friend spied a locket in a case. When the owner approached, she asked if she could help. My friend asked to see the locket. The woman said, “I can’t get into that case. Look at this mess. I have no idea where my keys are. Come back in two weeks.” We both shook our heads to the woman’s comments, felt a little disappointed, and said, OK.

As we turned to leave, the woman added in a rather condescending tone, “And you shouldn’t be in here anyway. We’re closed.”

I dutifully marched toward the door. My friend, however, isn’t so easily intimidated and her button had been pushed. She said, “Then you should put up a closed sign.”

The woman’s comeback: “It must have gotten moved.”

As the woman was shutting the door behind us, she must have had second thoughts about what she had said, for she added more gently, “Well, we really don’t have a sign.”

Naturally, my friend and I talked about this woman and her poor business approach.

It would have been so much better if she had said, “I’m sorry, I’ve mislaid the keys in all this construction. In fact, we’re really not open for business. But do look around. And please come back when we’re a little more organized.”

The second antique store had no construction going on. My friend and I peered in all the cases, looking at this and that. Then I approached the young man behind the counter and asked, “Do you have any paperweights?” thinking that I might have missed one. He looked at me and said, “Lady, if you don’t see it, we don’t have it.”

At that point I started giggling and said thanks. As my friend and I walked out of the store I said, “Is there a full moon tonight?”

How much better it would have been for this fellow to have said, “I don’t think we have any paperweights right now. Check back in a few weeks.”

The week before last I wore a leather vest to work. I thought it looked great. When I walked out into the waiting room, one of my more critical clients said, “My, don’t you look fancied up. Ha. Ha. Ha.”

I didn’t respond.

How much better it would have been if this woman had said nothing. Or if she had said, “I like your vest.”

A wife had asked her husband about the Kurds. Several days later he found an article on the topic in a magazine of his. Because he thought it would be of interest to her, he put it on her dresser. His wife’s response when she saw the magazine: “Why are you always putting your stuff on my dresser?”

With one thoughtless remark this wife had put her husband down, thrown away his caring deed and made a fool of herself.

Jeannine is moving to Europe. Recently she ran into one of her friends and told her of her adventure. The other woman’s comment: “What would you ever want to do that for?”

Now, tell me, how is someone supposed to respond to that?

I believe most people are well meaning. The trouble is they don’t think before they speak. They don’t listen to what they say. They don’t hear their tone of voice. They don’t think about what it feels like to be on the receiving end of their comments.

This week, be determined to watch what you say. Be determined to listen to how you say it.

Think with your ears.

Check out Doris’ latest books, “The Boy Whose Idea Could Feed the World” as well as, “The Parent Teacher Discussion Guide” and “Thin Becomes You”.

Doris’ web page: www.doriswildhelmering.com

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Do you respect the people you live with?

I know a husband who keeps asking his wife to please close the garage door at night. She rarely does.

A teen-ager wants to dry a blouse she has just washed. So she takes the wet clothes out of the dryer and throws them on top of the washer so she can dry her blouse. She never puts the wet clothes back in the dryer.

Take the following test to see how you fare in the respecting-others department.
Answer yes or no.

  1. When you know someone is sleeping, do you tiptoe around, keep lights off, and turn the volume down on the television?
  2. Do you put a new roll of toilet paper on the holder if you use the last piece?
  3. Do you always ask before you borrow clothes, jewelry, money, tools?
  4. Are you ready to go when it’s time to leave for church and family outings?
  5. Do you let others in the family know that you’re going to bed and do you
    say good night?
  6. Do you shut off your alarm clock when it starts to ring?
  7. Do you clean up your snack dishes and wipe off the counter?
  8. Do you leave the bathroom in good shape for the next member?
  9. Do you give others their messages?
  10. Do you get off the phone when you know someone else wants to use it?
  11. Do you sometimes pick up after other family members?
  12. Do you refill ice-cube trays after using them?
  13. Is your tone of voice as pleasant when you’re with your family as it is when you’re with your friends?
  14. Do you do your fair share of chores?
  15. Do you wait until someone is off the telephone before starting a conversation?
  16. Are you careful not to interrupt when someone in the family is talking?
  17. Do you keep yourself from saying hurtful things even though you would like to blast someone verbally?
  18. Do you keep your part of the house clean?
  19. Do you use the word “please” when you ask others in the household to do something for you?
  20. Are you conscious of not taking or demanding too much of the family’s income for your own wants?

Every “no” answer shows some disrespect for another family member.

If you are respectful outside your home, you are displaying a virtuous quality. If you are respectful in your own home, you are truly virtuous.

Check out Doris’ latest books, “The Boy Whose Idea Could Feed the World” as well as, “The Parent Teacher Discussion Guide” and “Thin Becomes You”.

Doris’ web page: www.doriswildhelmering.com

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Often people feel like victims in life. They think they have no control over what happens to them. But what they don’t think about are all the times they set themselves up to be victims. Here are some of the typical ways you can be sure to bring on some additional problems for yourself:

Don’t get out of bed when the alarm goes off. Instead, keep pressing the snooze button.

Don’t have a leaky roof fixed.

Don’t follow the washing instructions on a favorite wool sweater.

Don’t send in your warranty cards.

Have an important luncheon to attend and don’t look up the directions on how to get there until you are walking out the door.

Don’t study for your exam until the night before.

Wait until the deadline before filling out your college applications.

Ignore the gas company’s warning that you haven’t paid your bill.

Overschedule so you run late for every appointment.

Go to exercise class, even though you have a pulled hamstring.

Insist on picking up the tab, when you’re flat broke.

Make coffee every day at the office because you’re the only woman.

Go to a movie that will give you night­mares for months to come.

Fix a big family dinner and then insist that you’ll take care of all the dishes the following morning.

Notice that a friend has burned a hole in your new coat and say, “Oh, it’s OK.”

Agree to a 6 a.m. breakfast appoint­ment with a client who consistently over­sleeps.

Share a well-guarded secret with someone who’s a blabbermouth.

Lend $50 to the person who hasn’t paid you the last $50 he owes you.

Let your driver’s license expire.

Don’t pay your personal property tax, so that when it’s time to get your car license, you have to do everything the last day of the month.

Can you think of any other ways that you set yourself up as a victim?

Check out Doris’ latest books, “The Boy Whose Idea Could Feed the World” as well as, “The Parent Teacher Discussion Guide” and “Thin Becomes You”.

Doris’ web page: www.doriswildhelmering.com

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Marie threw a load of clothes into the washer and started it up. A few minutes before, Frank had stepped into the shower. As the washer filled with cold water, Frank was showered with very hot water. He stepped back from the shower nozzle and started banging on the wall. “I’m being scalded to death,” he bellowed. “Turn off that washer!”

Marie rushed to shut off the washer. Neither she or Frank had messed up. You might say it was just bad timing.

But some problems caused by bad timing can be prevented.

For example, you’re talking on the telephone and your husband asks you the whereabouts of the checkbook. You must now tell the party on the other end to wait while you talk to your husband. Or you can try to mouth the answer. Or you can grab a paper and pencil and write a note. No matter how you handle it, your mate’s timing is poor and he’s created a stressful situation for you.

Another example: As you are rushing out the door to go to work, your child asks you to sign a permission slip for school or announces this is her day to bring a snack. Had she brought up the issue the day before, it would not have been a big deal. But because of her faulty timing, your feathers are bound to be ruffled.

One woman says her husband’s “favorite trick” is to start talking finances right before bedtime. “Talking about bills and our money makes me feel anxious. Once he brings up the bills, I can’t fall asleep.”

Bad timing in the home also includes:

  • Making a telephone call right after your wife has told you dinner is ready.
  • Asking your parents for money or the car a few minutes after you’ve smarted
    off to them.
  • Starting an important conversation with someone who is engrossed in a movie
    or trying to balance the checkbook.
  • Yelling for your mate to come and look at something in the front yard when you
    have no idea where he is in the house or what he’s doing.
  • Expecting sex when you’ve been rude and just had a fight.
  • Telling your spouse you have no money as you pull in the movie parking lot.
  • Sweeping the floor when the rest of the family is in the car waiting to leave.
  • Talking about redecorating the family room when your husband has just told
    you he feels insecure about his job.

Remember, smooth relationships require sensitivity to what others are doing and feeling. So watch your timing.

Check out Doris’ latest books, “The Boy Whose Idea Could Feed the World” as well as, “The Parent Teacher Discussion Guide” and “Thin Becomes You”.

Doris’ web page: www.doriswildhelmering.com

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When my son rented a house in Philadelphia with several other students during his college days, he found himself the keeper of a mangy 13-year-old dog, Blackthorn.

The problem for Blackthorn was that one of the other students who was renting also had a dog. This dog’s name was Kaya. Kaya was young, energetic and certainly more attractive than Blackthorn. So he got almost all the attention.

To make matters worse for Blackthorn, he had a large patch of hair missing on his back. This, of course, discouraged people from petting him.

Come winter, Kaya and his owner moved out. How fortuitous for Blackthorn. Now he was the only dog in the house.

One day, my son bathed him. Another day, he took him for a walk in the woods. When the students had a barbecue, Blackthorn was invited to play Frisbee.

Suddenly, Blackthorn was receiving a lot of attention. He became more energetic and less docile. He wagged his tail more often. His hair grew back. It was almost as if he had returned to an earlier time in his life.

One time, I was sitting in a booth in a restaurant when several men in their 70’s passed by. The one man said to the other, “You know, Sam, I think that woman over there was flirting with you.” Sam half-laughed and said, “You think?” At which point Sam threw back his head, put his chest out, stood a little straighter and quickened his stride across the room.

Which brings me to my mother-in-law. Several years ago I took her to Harry, her eye doctor, for a minor operation. After the surgery Harry asked her if she would like a cup of coffee. Mother, then in her 80’s, said that sounded just wonderful. Harry himself went to get the coffee.

For three days Mother was more perky and more girlish and told everyone about Harry getting her a cup of coffee.

Woman, man or beast – we all need to be recognized.

Check out Doris’ latest books, “The Boy Whose Idea Could Feed the World” as well as, “The Parent Teacher Discussion Guide” and “Thin Becomes You”.

Doris’ web page: www.doriswildhelmering.com

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She is absolutely unforgiving of her husband. She keeps a ledger in her head of all slights and perceived infractions of the last 22 years. She’s still angry at him for not sending her flowers when their first baby came. It doesn’t count that he gave her a necklace to welcome the birth of their child. No amount of “I’m sorrys” seems to soften her or make a difference. She lets nothing go. With every argument she brings up the same old issues.

Some years ago he made a five thousand dollar investment that turned sour. She never lets him forget. No matter that he’s since made a number of good investments.

She can’t stand his family and constantly puts down his relatives. She talks against them whenever an opportunity presents itself.

As they are leaving a party, she criticizes the other guests. If someone is doing well financially she says it’s because they probably inherited the money. If she hears about a child’s success, she quickly follows up with a negative comment about the family.

She has little tolerance for her children’s bad behavior. Every infraction is major and calls for a lecture and a punishment.

Perhaps her body language is most hurtful. When her husband talks, she rolls her eyes and tilts her head to indicate he doesn’t know what he’s talking about. She often has a look of displeasure on her face when he’s talking. He can’t remember the last time she smiled when he walked in the room or laughed at something he said.

Even though he’s fifty pounds heavier and eight inches taller than his wife, he’s a little afraid of her. She’s never come after him physically, but he’s afraid of what she’s going to say, the lectures that follow his behavior, the looks of disdain.

She’s nice to other people. She runs errands for an elderly woman who lives next door. She’s pleasant to anyone who calls on the telephone. She chats with the clerk at the grocery store. She’s responsible at work. She volunteers at her children’s schools. What he keeps looking for are signs that she loves him.

In the past few years he’s been making more of a life away from her. He’s gotten interested in tennis. He’s been running. He’s been seeing a therapist. He’s been working on changing some of his behaviors. He has made an effort to spend more time with her going to the movies and taking short vacations. He has consciously given her more strokes. He has been trying to gently point out when he thinks her negativism or anger at their children is too much. He’s done more around the house. He’s not interested in another woman. He’s been faithful. He believes in marriage. They have children and history. They are financially tied together.

But soon he’ll leave her.

Check out Doris’ latest books, “The Boy Whose Idea Could Feed the World” as well as, “The Parent Teacher Discussion Guide” and “Thin Becomes You”.

Doris’ web page: www.doriswildhelmering.com

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