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Posts Tagged ‘family counselor’

When you are unable to get a good night’s sleep there is more than one solution to help overcome this issue.

How did you sleep last night?

One of the most frustrating problems that many people face is how to get a good night’s sleep. Some people can’t seem to fall asleep, while others fall asleep quickly but wake up two or three hours later and can’t get back to sleep.

If you don’t have a thyroid problem, sleep apnea, epilepsy, or a substance abuse problem, and if you’re not on any medication that distrupts sleep, you may be suffering from stress-induced insomnia.

Bill has been having trouble sleeping since he learned six months ago that his company is considering relocating. Because his wife has a good position with her company and his children are involved in their schools, he’s not sure what he’ll do if the company moves.

Bill can go to sleep, but several hours later he’s wide awake. He has, with some success, tackled the problem. When he wakes up, he doesn’t let his mind think of anything. Instead he concentrates on his breathing, slowly breathing in and out. By focusing on his breathing, Bill can sometimes fall back to sleep. If sleep alludes him, he gets up and reads. Around 5 AM he goes back to bed and finds that he can catch a few more hours of sleep before the alarm sounds. By having such a plan, Bill keeps his stress about not sleeping under control.

Sandy also has trouble sleeping. She, like Bill, is able to fall asleep. But a short time later she’s awake reviewing her upcoming divorce and thinking about how her husband left her for his secretary. No matter what she does, she can’t sleep. Sandy’s problem calls for a trip to her doctor to see if an antidepressant medication would help.

Marie thinks her insomnia is due to having too much to do. She works a full-time job and has three children under age seven. She rarely falls in bed before midnight, and then she’s so tired she can’t get to sleep. For Marie I’ve suggested not doing any chores after 10 PM. No matter what. By 11 she’s in bed with a magazine and cup of hot milk and by 11:30 she turns off the light. This routine is starting to pay off; Marie is reporting less trouble getting to sleep.

Additional ideas for getting a better night’s sleep:

-Exercise daily if possible. Some people who have sleep problems find it more helpful to exercise before evening sets in.

-Get up about the same time each morning. Even if you’re dragging from no sleep the night before, stay on schedule.

-Stay away from caffeine after lunch and alcohol after dinner. Caffeine interferes with getting to sleep and alcohol interferes with staying asleep.

-Avoid naps. This only throws your sleep pattern off further.

-Keep your room cool and covers light. When people get too warm, they wake up.

-Try a white-noise machine or a fan. Both help muffle barking dogs and late night honking horns.

-If you’re one of those people who always eats before going to bed, try a bowl of cereal, a glass of skim milk, toast with peanut butter or another carbohydrate.

-Never start a project like working on your tax returns or rearranging a closet an hour before bed.

-Don’t begin discussing important life issues like money, moving, or remodeling before bedtime. Save these talks for the daylight hours.

-Develop a routine — a bath, a bowl of cereal, brushing and flossing teeth, prayers, a half-hour with your favorite book, and lights out.

 

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Yesterday you took inventory of your house and how to unclutter it.

The next step: Call a family meeting and designate a Saturday or Sunday for getting organized. Begin at 8 AM and end with a pizza party. If you can’t come up with a date because everyone is going every which way, look at how too many family activities contribute to disorganization.

If you have parents in town, would they be willing to help babysit your little ones or help haul junk? What about asking your sister and brother-in-law for help or hiring someone to help clear out the paint cans and boxes of National Geographic?

When our boys were young we used to have leaf raking parties. Relatives and friends would come and everyone would rake. (I have great pictures of grinning children sitting in heaps of leaves.) We’d end the day with a big family meal — Hard work but great fun.

Many people don’t get organized because they feel overwhelmed when they think about everything that needs to be done. Instead of going that route, focus on specific areas and ask for help. Making a list, having a family meeting determining who will do what, and setting a date to get organized — You’re halfway there.

 

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“Be willing to assist your child, but be careful not to over assist or to take over.” 

After reading this quote, think back to when you gave your child too much help– coloring his pictures, cleaning his room, typing his papers, actually doing her science project.

Now think about the present. Are you rescuing too much? Do you need to back off some, and if so, how will you do this?

 

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Spend time if you want a happy child.
Family Time Makes for Happy Children

Are your children happy?

Even though happiness is genetically linked, only about 50 percent of happiness is driven by genes. The other 50 percent is driven by what happens to a child on a daily basis.

One of the most important contributors to a child’s happiness is doing things as a family. Nothing feels so special and good as when a family goes biking or hiking or spends part of the day at the zoo.

I know one family who has designated Wednesday nights as family night. This is the night nothing interferes. They have dinner and then play board games. Even the 17-year old participates. “Once you set a night and stick to it month after month, year after year, it becomes the expectation,” says the mother, “and our children look forward to it.”

Another happiness ingredient is working together. Spending four hours cleaning the backyard, the basement, and the house each Saturday morning, encourages a feeling of camaraderie and a sense of being part of the team. We’re a family. We’re in this together. “One for all and all for one.”

Research shows that children tend to be happier when parents set expectations and rules. Children do better when they have a set bedtime and when they are expected to do certain chores each week, pick up after themselves, control their language, and show respect for other family members. When parents have expectations, it conveys to a child that he has worth. And meeting these expectations helps a child feel more in control of his own destiny.

Feeling happy and content is also a by-product of feeling loved. Pats on the back from parents and “I love yous” sprinkled throughout the week are essential. And applause for a job well done recognizes a child’s accomplishments.

Happiness involves living in the present. Everyday should be a time to build family relationships. This means: “Let’s talk as we do dishes.” “Let’s put on a CD and dance.” “Let’s watch a movie and enjoy each other’s company.” Too often parents put happiness till later, saying, “Next weekend when go to your cousins…” or when we go on vacation….”

Children feel happier if they have God in their life. God is someone to talk to when they feel anxious and stressed. Or when no matter how good they try to be, they can’t change something in their lives.

Children are happier if family members get along and are respectful of each other. This means no screaming matches, no name-calling, no constant criticisms. Nor should a parent use a child as a confidante, telling him the other parent is not okay. It also means an older or younger sibling is not allowed to tyrannize the family.

If you want to raise a happy child, ask yourself if you are following these guidelines. And if you’re lacking in some areas, now’s the time to make changes. Most parents want to raise and live with a happy child. Following these guidelines, spells success.

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With the help of a few techniques, your child’s anger may be eliminated.

Eight -year-old Peter has had a problem with his anger since he was a toddler. Anytime something doesn’t go his way, he turns ugly. The most recent incident was when his mother went to pick him up from his friend’s house. Peter refused to stop playing with his friend and get his coat on. When his mother tried to take his arm, pull him off the floor, and help put his coat on, Peter starting kicking his mother and screaming, “I hate you. I’m not going home with you.” Twenty minutes later Peter’s exasperated, embarrassed mother was able to extricate Peter from his friend’s house.

Bea is 13 and also has an anger problem. When told to do a chore such as empty the dishwasher or watch her younger sister, she will answer, “I’m not doing it.” When her mother tells her she’s a member of the family and she needs to help out, she often comes back with, “Who cares? You can’t make me.” The last time her mother said, “You’re right, I can’t make you clean out the dishwasher, but you’re grounded this weekend,” Bea marched over to the refrigerator, opened the door, and started throwing everything out on the floor.

Both Peter’s and Bea’s parents reported that their children have never had a problem with anger at school, and, in fact, are well-behaved there. This is helpful for me to know as a therapist. Armed with this information, I explained to both sets of parents that Peter and Bea have the ability to control their anger. How do I know? Because they do so at school. What they must now learn is to control their anger at home.

Things I suggest for anger control:

Have a family counsel. Tell your child that anger is an okay feeling, but using anger inappropriately by yelling, screaming, belligerent acts, or mean-spirited behavior can no longer be accepted. Ask your child for his cooperation in controlling his anger. Also remind your child that you expect him to control his anger at home just as he controls it at school. If you, the parent, have a problem with controlling your anger, chances are your child will point this out at the family pow-wow. Agree with the confrontation and decide that you, too, will work to control your anger.

Writing down how one feels stepped on and abused is often helpful in dissipating feelings. Ask your child to write down why she feels angry. Reassure her that within a half hour of her putting pen to paper, you will read what she has written and write back your response.

Another technique: Ask your child not to allow himself to explode when he feels angry. When he feels anger coming on, tell him to purse his lips tight, set the timer on the stove for four minutes, and breathe deeply until the timer goes off. Once he’s controlled himself for four minutes, he’s won the battle.

A similar technique is to suggest to your child that when he feels himself getting angry, he rush to a chair, sit down, close his eyes, and see himself playing on the playground at school or swimming in a pool. This is called imaging. It helps the mind to calm the body and dissipate the adrenaline that accompanies angry feelings. Suggest that when your child feels furious, instead of gritting his teeth and doing something mean, he should try to sing his favorite song in his head or repeat a favorite joke to himself. I told one little boy this, and he looked at me like I was nuts. But the next time I saw him, he couldn’t wait to report that it had worked.

Invite your child to say over and over in her head during the day for the next several months, “I choose not to get angry.” Repeating this affirmation reinforces the decision not to become angry.

Just as children need help learning to tie their shoes, write a report, iron a shirt, or throw a ball, they need help learning to control their anger. Take the time to give your children this skill– a skill that will serve them the rest of their life.

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