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Posts Tagged ‘psychotherapist’

Many factors determine who actually gets a raise.
So You Want a Raise? Ah, But Do You Deserve It?

If you think you’re deserving of a raise, prepare a history of your work in the past year. List the contributions you’ve made to the company. Ask yourself how these contributions have improved the company or the bottom line. If you have trouble listing contributions, this is the time to rethink why you should get a raise.

Employers do not look favorably on those who consider themselves entitled to more money just because they’ve been working for the company for a certain number of years. Nor can you justify asking for a raise because you’ve moved to a bigger house and you need more money.

Second, research the going rate for someone who is in a similar position in your company or industry. Having this knowledge will allow you to assess more accurately where your salary should fall. A career counselor or the U.S. Department of Labor can provide you with information about what jobs pay in your area. Don’t forget to add in the benefits you are receiving in addition to your salary. A human resource person can help in this area.

Third, role play the various scenarios that could take place when you ask for a raise. Look in the mirror and practice. Play yourself and then play your boss. If you can’t convince yourself, it’s unlikely you’ll convince a boss.

Ask a friend to role play with you. Tell the friend to throw you some curve balls and see if you have the ability to handle them.

Another good exercise — go over all the reasons your boss may use to discourage a raise. Then come up with a counterproposal. For example, if your boss says, “Well, you know profits have been down this year,” you might counter with, “That’s true. But my performance has been very good. For example….” Here’s where you roll out those contributions.

If your boss says, “We just can’t afford it now,” ask when the company will be able to afford it. Try to tack down a date for review.

Also ask, “What can I do differently to convince you that I should have a raise?” Make sure you take notes as he or she answers.

Sometimes a person truly does not deserve a raise. Sometimes a raise is not in the company’s budget. And sometimes people don’t do their homework before asking for a raise. As a result they present themselves poorly and muff their chances. Don’t let this be you.

 

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If you are always trying to change the bad habits of the person you are dating, maybe it’s time to move on to someone else.

A woman came for therapy because she had just learned that her boyfriend of several months was still involved with his old girlfriend.

When I asked what she wanted from therapy, she said, “I want the guy to give up his girlfriend and commit to me.”

Since I wasn’t sure if her goal was in her best interest, I asked if she would tell me more about this man as well as her dating history with other men. I learned she had been married twice. Her first husband left her for another woman, and she left her second husband because he was an alcoholic. She then had a long-term relationship with a man who was always on the verge of bankruptcy. “I got fed up with paying all the bills,” she said, “so one day I kicked him out.”

After talking with her about her past relationships, I said my best advice was for her to explore why she kept getting involved with men who left her, either emotionally or physically. I also thought another goal of therapy should be that she would come to like and respect herself enough to move away from any relationship that spelled trouble.

Her situation reminded me of a woman I had seen several months previously. She had come to therapy because she wanted to straighten out a man she had recently met. He had stood her up for their first date and was a half hour late for the second date. Her goal was to teach him to be more responsible. Here, too, my advice was to drop the guy, spend her energies learning to like herself more, and look for a healthier relationship with someone who didn’t discount her.

Certainly when you’re looking for a mate and find someone that you’re attracted to, it’s tempting to ignore the obvious. But pursuing a relationship that is probably bound for disaster is not in your best interest. Here are some danger signs to watch for:
* He’s heavily in debt.

* He can’t hold a job.

* She drinks too much.

* She has no friends.

* He’s rude to the waitress, the car mechanic, the store clerk.

* He’s always finding fault with others or with you.

* He flirts with other women which drives you crazy.

* She’s possessive, wants all of your time, and tries to exclude your friends and family.

* She lies.

* He has a bad temper.

* He’s a sports addict and you hate sports.

* He’s Mr. Frugal and you like to spend.

* You want children and he wants no part of them.

* She has a child by a previous marriage and you dislike this child.

* He’s a slob and you’re a neatnick.
Do yourself a favor. If you’re dating someone and there are signs that you’re headed for difficulties, move on. Don’t get hung up with trying to change the person. Remember that no matter how eager you are to find a fulfilling relationship, “the light you see at the end of the tunnel may be an oncoming train.”

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A 24-year-old daughter had to move back home because of her financial problems several weeks ago. Both mother and daughter were concerned that the arrangement might not work, and they asked if I had any tips on how to keep their relationship happy.

I suggested that one of the best techniques I knew to side step an argument was to refrain from making critical comments. I further suggested that both the mother and daughter write down their complaints. Writing them would dissipate their own feelings without damaging the relationship.

Less than a week had gone by when mother and daughter decided to share their lists with each other. This was not part of my plan. However, as they read their lists, their laughter grew. It seemed that the mother had a preoccupation with bathing and water and the daughter was preoccupied with Mom’s appearance.

Here are some of the items the mother had on her list:

Don’t you brush your teeth first thing in the morning?

Are you going to wear that shirt again without washing it?

Would you please get your car fixed before your engine blows up?

Isn’t that the fourth shower you’ve taken today?

There’s a button missing on that blouse.

Do you have your glasses?

Wear a jacket.  It’s cold out there.

Stop watching television and go do something constructive.

Your room is starting to look like a pig pen. Where is your pride?

Don’t forget to call your friend back.

The daughter listed these comments:

Those shoes look ridiculous.

Why are you wearing nylons with your shorts and sandals? If you could just see yourself.

Can’t you drive a little faster?

Get those curlers out of your hair!

That’s not the way to pronounce her name. It’s Oprah, not Oufrah.

Don’t you ever shave your legs?

Are you going to stand here and listen to my entire conversation?

Are you going to wear that? It has got to be a hundred years old.

Why don’t you just chill out, relax, calm down.

After going over each other’s lists, mother and daughter decided that they both needed to keep their criticisms to themselves if the relationship was to be a happy one.

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All my life I have been a dog person. My first recollection of having a dog was when I was a small child. The dog’s name was Bum. He came by that name honestly because he was always on the run. He would jump the fence and away he would go. The only other thing I remember about that dog was that my mom loved him dearly. So I did too. Following Bum, my family had a succession of dogs…Candy, Lady, Boots.

When I was 5 or 6 years old, a stray cat appeared at the door. It was winter, so my parents broke down and took him in. He managed to outstay his welcome in less that 48 hours. I still remember my mom saying, “I hate cats. They are everywhere. They get in your pots and pans. They get on the kitchen table. Out with the cat.” My mom hated cats. So I did too.

When I grew up and had my own family, we got a dog, Fluffy. Then we got Barker. Across town my parents also had two dogs and my sister had two dogs. You might say we were confirmed dog lovers.

Then something happened. Our daughter requested a cat. She was a mere three years old. “Now how could a little girl who is surrounded by dogs and dog lovers want a cat?” I thought. Every birthday and holiday thereafter she pressed for a cat. Every birthday and holiday I resisted until one day my love for my daughter overcame me and I said, “Oh alright. We’ll get a cat.”

That was some  years ago. Eventually we got two cats, Cornbread and Emily. When I walk in the door, Cornbread is there waiting. Then along comes Emily for some attention. I love to watch them play. Cornbread swishes his tail back and forth, back and forth, while Emily tries to catch it. They also chase each other around the house at breakneck speed. As I watch them, I frequently feel a smile on my face. You might say, I have fallen in love with cats.

Which leads me to a question I’m often asked. Can people really change? The answer – yes.

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Taking this quiz on perfectionism will help you determine if you’re a perfectionist.

Do you fear making mistakes more than those around you do?
When you do make a mistake, do you overreact with anger, defensiveness and self-criticism?
Do you remember critical remarks more than you remember praise?
Do you operate from a belief system that says there is a right way to do everything, including folding socks, loading the dishwasher, writing a paper, reading a book?
Do you have difficulty relaxing because there is always something more to be done?
Do you drive yourself with such statements as “you should do this” and “you ought to do that”?
Do you avoid starting a job because your standards are so high that you donít have time to complete it?

If you answered yes to five of these questions, more than likely you are trying to be too much of a perfectionist.

It’s fine to want to do your best and even to excel in certain areas, but to continually measure your self-worth by how much you get done and how well you do it can be self-destructive. Not only are you a more difficult person to live with (you secretly have the same high standards for everyone), but you are more likely to suffer from depression, performance anxiety and anxiety in social situations.

One thing you might do is observe how others who are not perfectionists live. You don’t have to pick someone whom you view as a slob. Choose a person who seems to be more middle-of-the-road. Someone, for example, who takes pride in her work but whose desk is never in good order.

Once you’ve picked out your less-perfectionistic brother or sister, find one thing the person does that you admire. If she can leave her desk with things still to do, allow yourself the same privilege. And see it as a privilege, not as a weakness.

Another thing you might do is to adopt a favorite phrase that you can chant in your head while taking a shower or driving your car. You can say something like, “I count more than my accomplishments” or “I’m a good person just for being.”

One fellow was able to give up some of his compulsive drive for perfectionism when I explained that if he were perfect, no one could possibly add anything to his life. His need to be perfect was actually a way of keeping people at a distance.

Having high standards and pursuing excellence is a fine goal, and it does give people a great deal of satisfaction and joy when they do well. But having too high of standards can be self-defeating.

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Certain behaviors can kill friendship before it even begins.

Many people are looking for new friend. Yet month after month goes by, and they find few people to have a relationship with. Often they miss potential friendships because they kill the relationship with their own neediness.
Here’s an example:

Margie moves here from another area. She wants to make new friends. She goes to exercise class and meets Susan. Margie finds Susan likable and thinks that maybe she has found a friend. As she leaves exercise class, she says, “See you again.”

The following evening, Margie pulls up in front of the gym and she finds Susan waiting for her. Susan gets out of her car, comes over to Margie and asks if she’s ready to exercise. Margie feels a little uncomfortable and somewhat intruded upon, but she shrugs it off and goes to class.

After class, Susan presses Margie to go have a bite to eat. Margie declines. Then Susan presses Margie for a time when they can work out together. Margie is noncommittal and says that she’ll probably work out over the weekend, but she’s not sure of her schedule.

The next day Susan calls Margie at work and asks if she’s made plans for the weekend.

Although Margie would have liked to make a friend, Susan came on so desperately that Margie backed away.

If you recognize yourself in the above example, start attuning yourself to the other person. Don’t keep suggesting one date after another when you’ve been turned down for a date. Don’t hold on when it looks as though the other person wants to call it quits for the day or wants to get off the telephone. Let it rest until the other person suggests something. Decide that you won’t invite the other person to do something with you until he or she invites you to do something. One overture for one overture. The less desperate you appear and behave, the more friends you’re likely to acquire.

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A Mental Cure for Stuttering – Stop Feeling Sorry For Yourself

When Jack was a young man, he was a bad stutterer.

“I had a job, but I felt that if I couldn’t communicate verbally, it would hold me back,” said Jack. So 30 years ago Jack searched for the best speech therapy school in the United States.

“I wrote letters, made phone calls, talked to local speech therapists,” Jack explained. The good news was, I located the school, The Institute of Logopedics in Wichita, Kansas. The bad news — the minimum treatment course was three months.

“I had been married about a year and a half and I had just taken a different job. My wife was pregnant with our oldest daughter. I didn’t want to go, but I didn’t feel I had any other option.

“I went, but I went with a real bad attitude. None of my friends stuttered. None of them had to go to Wichita. Why me, God?”

When Jack got to the institute, things got worse. “They treated every imaginable defect,” he said. “Lots of accident victims, stroke victims, children with cerebral palsy. Their ages ranged from 6 to about mid-seventies. It was the first time in my life I had been around a lot of handicapped people. It was real uncomfortable for me to be around those folks, and it added to my sense of feeling sorry for myself.”

At the start of his last week, Jack was waiting outside his therapist’s office when a 7-year-old boy with cerebral palsy came out of the office with his football helmet on. “The CP kids had to wear football helmets from the time they got up in the morning to the time they went to bed so they wouldn’t hurt themselves,” he explained.

On Jack’s next-to-last day his therapist asked if he’d come to his next session a little early. “I got there early,” said Jack. “I was standing in the hall waiting, when this 7-year-old kid walked out with the therapist. The therapist gently pushed the boy toward Jack and motioned for Jack to listen to the boy. “The kid looked at me and said, ‘Hello, Jack.'”

Although the words were somewhat garbled, Jack understood and replied, “Hey, that’s my name. I didn’t know you knew how to talk.”  “The kid puffed up like a toad, beamed, and struggled off down the hall,” Jack said.

When Jack went into the therapist’s office, the therapist asked, “What do you think is the longest block you’ve ever had before you could talk, Jack?”

Jack replied, “About 30 seconds.”

The therapist came back sharply: “Well, the longest hesitation I’ve observed is only about five seconds.”

Jack said, “I knew what he was saying. It was like he had punched me in the stomach — it was a revelation. That was some therapy session, and it didn’t have anything to do with fluency. I realized I had been feeling sorry for myself.”

The therapist then explained, “That kid, Robert, he’s been working here for two hours a day, for the last six days, to be able to say, ‘Hello, Jack.'”

“It turns out that kids with cerebral palsy often don’t live as long as others do,” said Jack. “And Robert was no exception. When I found out that he died, the saddest thing for me was that he never knew what he had done. This kid who was in my life for a day changed my life forever.”

“Robert didn’t have much of a vocabulary. And ‘feel sorry for myself’ were words that definitely weren’t in his.”

For most of us it’s easy to feel sorry for ourselves when life isn’t fair, or someone disappoints us, or something doesn’t go as planned. When you start to feel sorry for yourself, think of Robert and his struggle to say, “Hello Jack.”

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