Time For Spring Cleaning

Take inventory of your house; time to declutter.

The next step: Call a family meeting and designate a Saturday or Sunday for getting organized. Begin at 8 AM and end with a pizza party. If you can’t come up with a date because everyone is going every which way, look at how too many family activities contribute to disorganization.

If you have parents in town, would they be willing to help babysit your little ones or help haul junk? What about asking your sister and brother-in-law for help or hiring someone to help clear out the paint cans and boxes of National Geographic?

When our boys were young we used to have leaf raking parties. Relatives and friends would come and everyone would rake. (I have great pictures of grinning children sitting in heaps of leaves.) We’d end the day with a big family meal — Hard work but great fun.

Many people don’t get organized because they feel overwhelmed when they think about everything that needs to be done. Instead of going that route, focus on specific areas and ask for help. Making a list, having a family meeting determining who will do what, and setting a date to get organized — You’re halfway there.

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Little Ways To Show Respect for Others

I know a husband who keeps asking his wife to please close the garage door at night. She rarely does.

A teenager wants to dry a shirt she has just washed. So she takes the wet clothes out of the dryer and throws them on top of the washer so she can dry her shirt. She never puts the wet clothes back in the dryer.

Sound familiar? Take the following quiz to see how you fare in the respecting-others department. Answer yes or no.

1. When you know someone is sleeping, do you tiptoe around, keep lights off, and turn the volume down on the television?
2. Do you put a new roll of toilet paper on the holder if you use the last piece?
3. Do you always ask before you borrow clothes, jewelry, money, tools?
4. Are you ready to go when it’s time to leave for church and family outings?
5. Do you let others in the family know that you’re going to bed and do you say good night?
6. Do you shut off your alarm clock when it starts to ring?
7. Do you clean up your snack dishes and wipe off the counter?
8. Do you leave the bathroom in good shape for the next member?
9. Do you sometimes pick up after other family members?
10. Is your tone of voice as pleasant when you’re with your family as it is when you’re with your friends?
11. Do you do your fair share of chores?
12.  Are you careful not to interrupt when someone in the family is talking?
13.  Do you keep yourself from saying hurtful things even though you would like to blast someone verbally?
14. Do you keep your part of the house clean?
15. Do you use the word “please” when you ask others in the household to do something for you?
16. Are you conscious of not taking or demanding too much of the family’s income for your own wants?

Every “no” answer shows some disrespect for another family member. Try to find ways to shift your “no” answers to “yes”.

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So Moody

When your moodiness is beginning to affect your marriage and family, it’s time to do something about it.

Are you a moody person? Do you have to deal with someone who’s moody? A mate? A boss? A child? A co-worker?

In a marriage counseling session, a husband complained that the past weekend had not been good. His wife had been in one of her moods.

I asked the wife what the husband meant. She shrugged and looked at him. He said, “Just what she’s doing now. She won’t talk; she refuses to comment on what you say; she acts like the kids and I don’t exist. And it doesn’t matter what we do to try to be nice.” He explained that the family can clean the house, cook the meals, and buy her a present, and she still won’t snap out of it. In fact, last year their eleven-year-old gave her a coffee mug that said, “Snap Out of It.”

I asked Marilyn if what her husband was describing about her was accurate. She shrugged and said yes. Then she said, “It’s just the way I am.” When she gets in one of those moods, she said, she wants people to leave her alone. Not talk to her, not try to cheer her up.

I asked how often her moodiness struck. She said a few times a month. Her husband said about once a week.

How long do her moods last? They both agreed — two or three days.

I asked if she saw her moodiness as a problem. She was noncommittal but added that all her family was like this and her husband had known she was moody before he married her.

He said he had thought her moodiness was because of the stress of the wedding and her dad being sick at the time. He never dreamed it would be something he’d have to live with for the rest of their married life.

I asked if she saw her moodiness as something she wanted to work on to make things better at home with her husband and children.

She said, “Not particularly.”

I asked if she understood how destructive her moods were to her marriage, her children, and herself.

She wanted to know how.

I said that each time she gets in one of her moods, she emotionally leaves the family. She’s not available for anyone. She closes everyone out. She discounts everyone’s existence. She sucks up the family’s energy as all wait for her to be in a better mood. And I said I suspect during her moodiness she can’t possibly enjoy life or feel close to anyone.

She asked what she could do about her moods. I said she’d have to want to make a change. And I wasn’t so sure she was ready. She agreed.

I said my usual routine would be to quickly review her childhood and see who she learned this behavior from and how it served her as a child. This would take no more than a half session. I’d also send her to her doctor to make sure she was okay physically. I’d have her make a list of the advantages she saw in being moody.

She said, “Such as?”

I said, “Well, when you’re moody, everyone is watching you, trying to please you. Maybe you get out of cooking, doing housework. Maybe you get to take a nap, guilt free. People don’t keep a behavior around unless they get a payoff. Sometimes understanding the payoff helps people give up the behavior.”

Another thing — when a bad mood starts, I want her to do some things immediately to help herself shake it off. Research shows that if you get a project going such as cleaning the garage, or if you do something for someone else such as running an errand, your bad mood will dissipate. Also, no television or alcohol when she’s in a bad mood, as both of these things exacerbate the bad feelings.

She said, “You feel pretty strongly about getting me to be in a better mood.”

I said, “I do because it’s miserable for your family and ultimately miserable for you.”

Forgiveness and Love

How two friends put their bad feelings aside and grew in love.

I lost my friend Mark to cancer a couple of months ago.

I liked a lot of things about Mark — his soft-spoken manner, his easy laugh, his sense of adventure, his willingness to try new things, his zest for life. But above all, the thing I admired most was Mark’s ability to let go of a hurt and move on.

Mark had a friend named Bill, and every so often the two of them would get together for lunch. One day when they were to meet, Bill never showed. So Mark had lunch alone.

The sad thing was that when Bill realized he had missed lunch, he failed to call his friend and apologize. So Mark was a bit miffed.

When Mark saw Bill, he said, “Say, Bill, what happened to our lunch?”

Bill shrugged and said he had forgotten.

Mark said, “But you didn’t call.”

Bill replied, “Yeah, I know, but I got busy.”

With that brush-off, Mark said, “Well, I’m angry about that. You should have called.”

Again Bill defended his actions.

At this point I could see things weren’t headed in a happy direction, so I jokingly said, “Okay, you two. You guys know you love each other. So Bill, tell Mark, ‘I love you, Mark.’”

Bill looked at me a little askance (men don’t say “I love you” to their friends). Then he got this big childlike grin on his face and said, “I love you, Mark.”

Without hesitation, Mark smiled and said, “I love you, Bill.” And the incident was over. From that moment on, I believe Mark never looked back on that missed engagement.

Addendum: Over the next year as Mark was struggling with his illness, Bill would frequently say, “I love you, Mark.” Mark would get a grin on his face and respond, “I love you, Bill.”

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Your Dirty Dishes are in the Family Room

Many arguments between parents and children could be avoided if parents were more conscious of the way they communicated with their children.

Here’s a communication tip you can start using today.

The Broken Record Routine
If Bobby asks you to drop him at the mall and you don’t want him to go, tell him, “No, I don’t want you at the mall.”

If he responds, “But Mom, all my friends are going,” don’t say, “If everybody jumps off a cliff, are you going to jump off too?”

Instead, go a for solution and simply state, “I don’t want you at the mall.”

If Bobby tells you you’re the meanest person in the world, don’t respond. He’s simply venting his frustration. If he keeps nagging, keep your voice even and repeat, “I don’t want you at the mall.” Then walk away if possible.

At some point, Bobby will get the message and you’ll save yourself and family needless arguing.

Observations only
If your 12-year daughter has left her dirty dishes sitting in the family room, simply make an observation: “Your dirty dishes are in the family room.”

If her room is a mess, make an observation: “You have a lot of things lying around in your room.”
If you think she’s been on the phone too long, you might say, “You’ve been on the telephone for quite awhile now.”

Simply making an observation keeps you from being critical and invites your child to develop her own conscience.

Will stating the obvious get you the results you want? Not always, but sometimes.

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Quiz – Are You A Friend to Your Partner?

I know an accountant whose house was about paid for. His wife wanted to take the money they had in savings and finish paying off the house. He didn’t want to do this because the money he had in savings was making more interest than he was losing on interest payments. Even after seeing the figures in black and white, his wife still wanted the house free and clear. She didn’t want to take any chances that she might lose their home.

Even though it did not make sense economically, the fellow paid off the house.

This man was a real friend to his wife. Despite the money he lost, he took care of her emotionally.

Take the following test to determine if you are a true friend to your partner. Answer each statement with a yes or no.

1. You make a point of asking how a meeting or an appointment went that you know your mate was concerned about.

2. You remember to say “good luck” when your mate is about to embark on a difficult task such as confronting a co-worker, making a presentation, or talking to your child’s teacher.

3. When your mate asks you to do a favor, you usually say yes without hesitating and needing to think about the request.

4.​ You take responsibility for the times when you have acted badly and you apologize.
5.​ You volunteer to do things for your mate such as picking up dry cleaning, returning a shirt, or taking the car in for an inspection.
6. If your partner has a headache in the morning, you make a point of calling later in the day to see how he or she is feeling.
7. When your partner suggests going for a ride, watching a movie, or going out for dinner you usually respond to these suggestions with enthusiasm.
8. You are conscious of how much money you spend on yourself and do not spend more than your fair share.
9. When your mate is ill, you comfort and take care of him or her, and you do not get angry or pout because you  have to change plans or take more responsibility in the house.
10.​ You feel joy when your partner receives recognition outside the home and you suggest a celebration. You feel some sadness when things go badly for your mate, and you offer comfort.
11.​ You are careful how much you criticize your mate or make helpful suggestions as to how he or she might do things differently.

What’s your score?

If you have nine or more yes answers, you know how to give emotional support to your mate and your partner has a good friend in you.

If you have less than nine yes answers, you’re not particularly attuned to your partner’s emotional needs. Work on it.

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Making New Friends

Certain behaviors can kill friendship before it even begins.

Many people are looking for a new friend. Yet month after month goes by, and they find few people to have a relationship with. Often they miss potential friendships because they kill the relationship with their own neediness. Here’s an example:

Margie moves here from another area. She wants to make new friends. She goes to exercise class and meets Susan. Margie finds Susan likable and thinks that maybe she has found a friend. As she leaves exercise class, she says, “See you again.”

The following evening, Margie pulls up in front of the gym and she finds Susan waiting for her. Susan gets out of her car, comes over to Margie and asks if she’s ready to exercise. Margie feels a little uncomfortable and somewhat intruded upon, but she shrugs it off and goes to class.

After class, Susan presses Margie to go have a bite to eat. Margie declines. Then Susan presses Margie for a time when they can work out together. Margie is noncommittal and says that she’ll probably work out over the weekend, but she’s not sure of her schedule.

The next day Susan calls Margie at work and asks if she’s made plans for the weekend.

Although Margie would have liked to make a friend, Susan came on so desperately that Margie backed away.

If you recognize yourself in the above example, start attuning yourself to the other person. Don’t keep suggesting one date after another when you’ve been turned down for a date. Don’t hold on when it looks as though the other person wants to call it quits for the day or wants to get off the call. Let it rest until the other person suggests something. Decide that you won’t invite the other person to do something with you until he or she invites you to do something. One overture for one overture. The less desperate you appear and behave, the more friends you’re likely to acquire.

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Fight Patterns

Did you know that when you fight, your fights always follow the same pattern? What you fight about with your mate or your child may change from year to year, but the way the fight unfolds remains the same.

Take for example Marge and Bill. No matter what they fight about, Bill takes the mild-mannered, logical position while Marge becomes furious and raves like a maniac. The more calm Bill becomes, the more hysterical Marge acts. The pattern is always the same.

On Tuesday, this couple fought because Bill didn’t get home until 6:40, when he usually arrives by 6:00.

As soon as Bill came in the door, Marge expected an explanation.

Bill explained that his boss had wanted to see him just as he was walking out the door, and he couldn’t get away.

At this explanation, Marge became angrier and insisted that Bill should have excused himself to call her. After all, most people live on some sort of time schedule, even the boss.

Bill countered by telling Marge in a reasonable tone that she didn’t understand the corporate world; and most people in his position don’t leave the office until 6:30. To call home hadn’t seemed necessary because it wasn’t as if he was being delayed until 10 at night.

Angrier still, Marge pointed out that she had taken time out of her life to go to the grocery store and make a nice meal for him, which was now ruined. Why was his time more important than her time? She also recounted all the other times Bill had chosen his work over her – like when he went out of town on business when their first child was due.

At the end of the argument, which lasted most of the evening, Bill felt persecuted and believed Marge was completely unreasonable. Marge felt that she didn’t count and once again Bill’s work had come first.

If Marge and Bill would take a moment to see that the pattern is always the same – Bill gets logical and Marge gets hysterical, and they rarely resolve their differences – they could change the pattern.

Instead of defending his actions, Bill could focus on Marge’s feelings. He could acknowledge that she had to wait and hold dinner and that it would have been more thoughtful for him to call. Bill should give no explanation or rationale for his decision to stay and talk with the boss.

Marge could change the pattern by stating her position and then restating it and not allowing herself to become hysterical.

The problem is, neither Bill nor Marge would get to feel misunderstood and persecuted. And who would express Bill’s anger for him if Marge became more controlled? And what about their familiar routine? What would they do if they were not fighting?

That’s why it’s so hard to give up your fight pattern.

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Quiet Over Critical

Being critical with your mate may not be the wisest course of action for your relationship. Sometimes Silence Is Golden.

She and he are drying dishes. She clangs the dishes together and he says nothing. He clangs the dishes and she says, “Can’t you be a little noisier?”

She spills some milk on the counter and immediately takes a dishrag and wipes it up. He spills milk on the counter and she says, “Having a little trouble today?”

She sits and reads the newspaper by a dim overhead light. Later as he reads by the same light, she clicks on the lamp and asks, “Are you trying to ruin your eyes?”

She takes a second helping of potatoes and he says nothing. He takes a second helping and she pipes up with, “I thought you were watching your weight.”

She jams the milk carton into the refrigerator and he says nothing. He jams the carton into the refrigerator and she says, “Here, let me do it.”

She turns the radio on in the car and they ride along listening to the basketball game. He turns the basketball game on in the car and she says, “Are you trying to avoid talking to me?”

The sun is shining, the weather is beautiful, and she sits down to watch television. Two days later, the sun is shining, the weather is beautiful, and he sits down to watch television. She asks, “You’re not going to take advantage of this beautiful weather?”

She runs out of money and says, “I have to stop at the ATM.” He says nothing. When he says, “I have to stop at the ATM,” she says, “When are you going to start planning ahead?”

Incidentally, in these examples, “he” could be “she” and “she” could be “he.”

However, in my clinical experience, more women than men are critical and judgmental. Perhaps it’s because they have been primarily responsible for corralling the children into shape, so it comes naturally. Perhaps it’s because males have more behaviors that demand correcting, and soon the woman is correcting everything.

Perhaps it’s because more women are outer-focused, focusing their attention outward on others rather than inward on themselves. When their mate does something annoying, they immediately feel a need to address the issue. But if they do the same thing, they are not as focused on it.

Regardless of the whys and becauses, sometimes — in fact most of the time — it’s better to be quiet than critical.

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Putting Criticism In Perspective

I went to the parking lot to get my car the other day, and stuck under the windshield wiper was a paper napkin with a sarcastic note scrawled across it. The writer wanted to know whether I thought I was so much better than the other plebeians who worked at the building that I could park in the aisle.

In truth, I had parked in the aisle. In my defense, however, I blocked no one because the aisle is three car widths wide, there were no other spaces available, and I pay a monthly fee for parking.

At the same time, I felt a bit intimidated by the message on the napkin. I think I felt guilty because the note harked back to what I was taught as a child – that it was wrong to be pretentious or to think I was better than anyone else in any way.

Another factor may also come into play when a person is accused of some wrongdoing. Regardless of whether the person is guilty, he or she usually feels uncomfortable. This is probably because as children we were expected to be good and to do things right. And when we didn’t do something right, we lost our parents’ approval for a time, which translates into a loss of love. As adults, when reprimanded, we too feel that vague sense of loss of love.

Because everyone is sensitive to criticism and most everyone gets criticized from time to time, here are 3 questions to ask yourself.

1. Is this criticism valid?
2. Is it partially valid?
3. What might I have done differently to have avoided the criticism?

By asking these questions of yourself, you put in perspective the criticism.

You might also want to keep in mind the following story which was written in the third century B.C. and recounted by Will Durant in The Story of Civilization: Our Oriental Heritage.

When a simpleton abused him, Buddha listened in silence; but when the man had finished, Buddha asked him: “‘Son, if a man declined to accept a present made to him, to whom would it belong?’ The man answered: ‘To him who offered it.’

‘My son,’ said Buddha, ‘I decline to accept your abuse and request you keep it for yourself.’”

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